The Trials of Vice Admiral Smoker
by denytheworld
Summary: Chopper is kidnapped. Smoker faces Hina to get him back. crack. slight smoker/hina


Straw Hat was pouting at him. "Smokey..." He hadn't even tried to run away when the Hunter approached. "Smokey..." Lying flat on his back, one of the most dangerous pirate alive hadn't so much as twitched when he found them. The rest of his crew was in no better shape. Just...what the hell?

Smoker was almost embarrassed. To think, his main prey and foe would actually be so pathetic. "Smokey..."

Doeful dark eyes turned his way and Smoker was ashamed to admit, he actually stepped back. Just what the hell was going on? "Straw Hat..." He acknowledged, warily.

"Smooookey~!" The rib-crushing, rubbery embrace had almost been mistaken for an attack had Smoker a lesser understanding on the mentality of one Straw Hat Luffy. Monkey D. Luffy, as of right now, was less of a threat than a puppy. As a matter of fact, it looked like someone had _kicked_ his puppy. "You've _got_ to help us! _Please_."

Now this was unexpected...

"Take me to the marine base!"

One smokey leather-clad fist found its mark and Luffy was promptly slammed into the deck of his ship. "No."

"B-but she _took _Chopper!" Luffy protested, hands on his recent head wound and looking very, very pathetic. Smoker was disgusted. "That mean lady _took_ him!"

The fearless, ballsy and happy go lucky Straw Hat Luffy was _quibbling_ and he knew _exactly_ who was responsible for it.

"Hina."

-

It had taken very little convincing on his part to gain their cooperation. It had taken a little longer to procur a den den mushi from his ship, what with Tashigi tripping everywhere, but in the end, he had his phone.

The members of the crew gathered around him on the deck of the Thousand Sunny, gazes expectant and hopeful. It was so very wrong to see them like this. It was also very, very wrong to have Monkey D. Luffy draped across him, hero worship clearly evident in the young boy's eyes.

The other line picked up after the third ring.

"Smoker-kun, Hina surprised."

"Return the reindeer, Hina."

"Smoker-kun so _cruel_." There was some faint murmurings in the background. "Chopper-kun _likes _Hina."

"_Return _the reindeer, Hina." Why had he thought he could do this? There was a reason why he avoided Hina at all costs.

"Hina doesn't want to." The petulance in her voice wasn't befitting her rank as Vice-Admiral. Still, it was familiar and backed by steely strength. Hina wasn't going to bend and Smoker had the inkling that he was going to come out the loser of this altercation.

But one look at the still pouting Luffy had him forging ahead.

"_Hina_." Smoker sighed. "Don't make me go over there and get him myself."

"Hina would like to see you try." She would, of course. Hina was all-knowing and she knew he had been avoiding her.

"You - "

"Smoker-kun never visits Hina anymore. Hina lonely." There was a shocked silence around him. This was getting too personal for listeners. Smoker grit his teeth.

"_Hina_. Stop trying to change the subject. Return the reindeer."

"Smoker-kun always so busy with _Luffy_. Hina neglected." The blond, the cook he was certain, choked a little. They were _all_ looking at _him_ now.

"Look, can't we talk about this another time?"

"_How_ can we?" Hina sighed, overdramatic and sultry. She _knew_ they had an audience. There was no other reason why she'd put on airs like this! "Smoker-kun never calls. Smoker-kun doesn't write. Smoker-kun doesn't even send a card! Hina _angry_."

Things were about to get ugly...

This call needed to end. This call needed to end _now_. "Hina, _please_, just return the damn reindeer!"

"Stop yelling at Hina! Hina _upset!_" The swordsman had stopped feigning sleep at this point and was observing the proceedings with cool interest.

"Look, you're the one who's yelling. Just... return the reindeer and we'll go out for dinner, alright?"

Immediately, the line was silent. Hina was _thinking_. That was a dangerous sign. "...just dinner?" He knew it. This was a trap.

Smoker sighed, "Lunch too."

"...and shopping?" She wasn't even bothering to feign innocence anymore.

"On me."

"And you'll call more?"

"...yes."

"I'll send Chopper-kun home after nap time."

"...thanks."

"Hina happy. It was nice talking to you, Smoker-kun."

"...yeah, you too. See you later."

_Klack_.

Snicker.

"Not. a. _word_."


End file.
